What I think about doing every day but never do.

Just gonna come out and say it, I am really enjoying being twenty-something right now.

I know, shut the front door.

I love the freedom. The friendships. Pure nostalgia combined with anticipation of the future. Being on the brink of real adulthood whilst still thinking a lot about roller skates. I am so grateful to be at an age where I can spend a whole day with friends in Brighton and an hour on the 2p machines without feeling bad about it. Today I went to a farm and stroked a horse and felt full to the brim with joy (on the other hand the horse couldn’t give a shit). 

I don’t want to jinx it but this is happening more and more at the moment, like I’ve finally got over the hurdle of feeling all the fear, unable to relax in case a big cloud of doom starts rolling in, and come through on the other side where I can just be content with how things are.

The little things have got my back. A great packed lunch, sunshine, clean bedding, sports day in the garden, bike rides, Pimms. It’s taken some work, all this soul-searching, but I’m proud of myself for digging deep into what makes me happiest to just enjoy being in the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I still panic over sore boobs. It’s just I’ve learned not to drive myself into darkness on Google’s symptom checkers and just take painkillers like a normal person. I still cry sometimes when my skin is really bad even after being on the pill for two months, and wonder whether the risk of blood clots is worth it. But sometimes crying about your first world problems is healthy and how lucky that we can.

So because I feel like I’m managing to manoeuvre the day to day reality of being twenty-five with hair the same colour as a croissant, I want to talk about the BIG THINGS for a change. The things that at some point we’ve all gotta deal with because we can’t live in amusement arcades, however much fun that would be. I’m not bringing these up like a kid throwing shit at a party, more in an ironic sense, that there are aspects of adulthood on the horizon for all of us and well, LOL at that.

If you’re me, when you’re 25, you’re at an age where you overthink a lot about your past, present and future but don’t necessarily do anything about it. While the topic of adulthood and responsibility is on everyone’s lips these days, I’m still at the stage in life when I haven’t yet got my priorities straight so I’d still hand on heart sacrifice any certainty in my future for a slice of carrot cake when “in the moment”.

So I thought it would be just lovely to document the things I hear, think about, see (or just acknowledge exist) every day but have yet to actually kick my head and heart into gear and do. 

Too many people I know are being grown-ups and buying houses whereas I still feel bubbly with fulfilment when I identify a ripe avocado. The house thing is a weird one for me because I just don’t feel that urge yet but wonder perhaps whether I should?

Thing is though I have no savings and the closest thing to inheritance my grandparents have given me was a bag of walnuts. True story. My grandad thought it would be funny if I stuck them down my tights and pretended I have varicose veins. I’m glad I inherited a less warped sense of humour.

A mortgage is pretty far outside the realms of possibility today even if I did want to buy a place. It’s more likely I’d meet Penelope Cruz on the way into work tomorrow or wake up with an ability to speak to owls. Even so, instead of thinking practically about savings, and either making the decision to put everything I usually spend on strawberries a week into an ISA, or just do the complete opposite, like jet off somewhere or open up a micro pig farm, I’ve been distracted. I’ve had a bit of glass in my thumb for a week and I’m enjoying trying to get that out at the moment. I make a fair few cups of tea every day. I think a lot about pugs.  

Travelling has been on my mind. There are so many places I want to see and I’m not quite sure how to get there. Broomstick? I need to get New York before long – I’ve somehow still never made it. Thinking about it it’s probably because I spend less time booking flights and more time thinking about my favourite flavoured gel pen at school. So I’m making a pact with myself to put money aside each month now I’m finally out my overdraft so that I can do some weekend breaks to Europe, eat more croissants than normal, and fix that bug. 

Every day at work I think a lot about quitting sugar and not raiding the biscuit tin. But then 3pm happens (and by 3pm I mean from 10.30am onwards) and suddenly I’m three custard creams down. THIS HAS TO STOP. I don’t want to be that girl that thinks about hobnobs more than she thinks about global warming. This week I’m setting myself the healthy snack challenge and sticking to it. Time to fall in love with nuts.

Was just sick in my mouth a little bit.

After watching Cowspiracy I keep trying to be vegetarian and failing. It’s all well and good giving yourself a pat on the back after successfully eating a carrot, or Cheerios, but I forget about all the other things, like non-vegetarian Percy Pigs. And Nandos. Writing this down means I’m going to try harder to think responsibly about what I’m putting in my body and how to protect this planet. The next aim is to cut down on dairy. I rarely eat meat because courgettes are my bae but chocolate is a different story. But. I bloody love cows and my nightmare hormones mean I can one hundred percent relate to sore udders. So I should know better.

Today I talked myself out of going for a run because I thought it was a pretty decent workout hanging bed sheets on the washing line. In my life, algebra is more included in my regular routine than regular exercise. 

Literally can’t remember when I last did some algebra. 

It is so easy to think about being active and so much harder to actually go to a pilates class. I do really want to be that person who swims twice a week, jogs to work and doesn’t get tired getting a duvet into its cover, but instead I’m on the sofa feeling the backs of my arms and wondering why they are a bit bumpy. 

There is so much more out there.

I want to learn a new language, or at least remember all the Spanish I once knew. I want to read all the classics before I die. I want to start singing again, learn to do the splits, do stand-up comedy, be able to meditate, get over my addiction to lip balm. I want to do my own show.

These things make me feel excited and inspired to be building myself up to something bigger. Rather than doomed to fail or too afraid to look. Because I have all the little things as my foundation stones. I’m rehearsing a lot at the moment and I’m actually writing a play. WHAT. So I might not have booked flights to Antarctica yet but some dreams are underway. I feel pretty certain that I will never not get excited about cereal. Or the discount aisle. Or crop tops. It’s in my soul. But I’m ready to fight for some of the bigger things in life. Day by day. Step by step. Nut by nut.

What about you?

Love X 

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