Sometimes when we freak out about our lives we find a distraction. This can be anything really. Some people like nail art. Others choose to bake the stone of an avocado in an oven for four hours and then grind it up into food.
I’m sure you all know by now that I’m in crisis mode faaaaairly often. It’s because I was born on a Wednesday (or at least that’s what Divination tells me). My latest dilemma – the fact that my commute was killing my soul – led me to download all seven Harry Potters onto my Kindle in an effort to brighten up my train journeys and attempt to read them all in one month.
The last time I re-read Harry Potter it was in Spanish and I was at rock bottom. I was au pairing in the middle of the Spanish countryside (so remote I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the location for the next Quidditch World Cup). The family I was living with refused to talk to me in the evenings and abandoned me most weekends to visit their local Ikea. The children threw chairs at me and the dad walked around naked in the middle of the night. All in all by the end of it I had serious cupboard under the stairs envy.
This time round my crisis was less comparable to neglect and more comparable to just repeatedly terrible Knight Bus journeys. In the end it took me seven weeks to read the series, which isn’t so bad considering I work eight hours a day and live with
Muggles housemates who would be confused if I spent every evening curled up in my duvet googling the nearest Hippogriff store.
Unfortunately now I’ve re-read them all my life will never be the same. Here’s why.
16 times Harry Potter is just too real for real life.
1 Your friends talk about houses and engagements and promotions and credit ratings and all you can think is “fuck these Muggles.”
2 One minute you pop out to buy a carton of milk and the next minute you’re walking down the road looking for Horcruxes.
3 Your friends won’t take you hat shopping anymore because last time you tried to find the sword of Gryffindor inside a flat cap and got thrown out.
4 Nights out are difficult because nowhere in Soho sells Butterbeer. However you remain positive because, hey, at least it’s not a Deathday party.
5 You try very hard to be a good friend and sympathise with other people’s life struggles but really you’re thinking “Seriously where is the PERSPECTIVE? On a scale from 1 to Dumbledore dying this barely qualifies.”
6 When someone asks you what your career goal is you mumble something about making a difference but what you really mean is you’re currently in training to be an Auror.
7 Every time there’s a flood in the girls’ bathroom you whisper “Myrtle.” Just in case.
8 The other day at work you accidentally volunteered to be on dishwasher duty because you misheard the office announcement and thought they were accepting volunteers for the next Triwizard Tournament.
9 Basically life sucks without cauldron cakes.
10 You haven’t had time to do any chores for a month because you’ve been working on your application to the local council asking for permission to build an enchanted ceiling in your house.
11 It used to mug you off when people bumped into you on the street but now you know it’s not their fault: they must have been Confunded.
12 Every time you try and reach the plate of cookies in the middle of the table with a silent summoning charm you curse yourself: “If only I’d worked harder in Charms.”
13 You’re yet to confide in TFL but you’re pretty sure the reason your commute is delayed every morning is because Dementors are now managing Southeastern railway.
14 You’re 99% sure the cat that sneaks into your garden is an Animagus.
15 It’s proving more and more difficult to simply get ready in the morning because every time you look in the mirror you see the Philosopher’s Stone falling into your pocket. Now what?
16 “This one time, at Hogwarts…” is the furthest you’ve ever got in that sentence because it turns out people think you’re CRAZY.