There are few things I love more than writing about being a twenty-something. Those things are basically Harry Potter, peppermint tea, theatre, puppies and free croissants by the way.
So because it’s Sunday, and I need to take a breather from binge-watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and crying over how much I love Tina Fey, I’ve decided to go old school and write a list post.
If you wanna do this thing properly, this read is best accompanied with a carton of Ribena, preferably bought from a vending machine at your local swimming pool, and a packet of Pom bears.
23 signs you’re having a mid-twenties crisis
1 A lot of today has been spent beating yourself up that some people have run a marathon and your idea of productivity was simply using dry shampoo.
2 Your weekly shop involves making a list of adult-friendly ingredients, such as cashew butter, courgettes, coconut oil and rye bread, and leaving the shop with nothing but a lost sense of identity and a reduced croissant.
3 Your friends talk about houses and engagements and promotions and credit ratings like real adults and all you can think about is how long it’s been since you last ate a pot noodle.
4 You tried to straighten your hair with Netflix.
5 It’s tricky to explain but you definitely look better with a face mask on.
6 You know how angry Voldemort gets when he discovers his Horcruxes are gone? You get that furious about very small things you used to take for granted – like perfume adverts in magazines (how can we POSSIBLY tell what they smell like?) and the holes in crumpets.
7 The other day you spent at least 15 minutes googling Ariana Grande’s Wikipedia page thinking how unfair it is that some people are so extraordinarily good at impressions and you’re just good at buttering toast.
8 The biggest sense of achievement this week was colouring your skin in with black nail varnish so no one noticed you ripped your tights.
9 Sometimes you feel like you have a gaping hole in your heart for reasons that are beyond your control, like the fact that no one uses a milkman anymore and supermarkets have stopped selling those giant boxes of broken biscuits.
10 You hate yourself for it but you’re addicted to Buzzfeed lifestyle quizzes. Especially the ones that guess your age by your favourite Disney movie, or your pubic hair. You feel a combination of elated and barren when it tells you you’re a warm-hearted 17 year old.
11 You embark on a search of self-discovery and read a book of star signs. You lose heart when your birth date describes you as a ‘semi-shaded patio’ with ‘veiled eyelids.’ You consider asking your parents to change your birthday.
12 You have mixed feelings about babies – you envy their flexibility, fear their control over your womb, and want to kick them out of their prams just to have a lie down. You may experiment with these maternal feelings by buying a strawberry plant.
13 You start re-reading books from your childhood and wonder if it’s too late to be friends with Biff, Kipper and Chip.
14 At your most vulnerable times you could be persuaded a dog is the answer to life’s troubles, but after some thought decide it’s better to wait and save up for a moose.
15 “GOD I’m 25 – isn’t it about time I stopped having periods?”
16 You’re finally ready to buy your first picnic hamper but plan to fill it only with Wotsits.
17 The idea of doing a Masters is weighing on your mind but only if you can study astronomy, or houmous.
18 You get deja vu all the time but for things that have never been a part of your life, like dinosaurs or common sense.
19 Sometimes you wonder if you’re a robot because you get absolutely nothing from mindfulness colouring books.
20 Pigeons piss you off on a daily basis: “JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY BILLS TO PAY.”
21 Approximately 80% of your day is spent thinking about what to eat next. The other 20% is wondering if fast typing counts as cardio.
22 A disproportionate amount of your time is spent asking questions too big for this universe. Basically why are there no jokes on ice lolly sticks anymore?
23 You’re suddenly really protective over your teeth. This manifests itself in anxiety dreams about your teeth falling out and investigating buying shares in toothpaste.
ALL MY LOVE. X