We’ve started yoga at work. It’s at half past six every Tuesday. There are approximately ten of us and I have the least cool yoga mat. It’s at the top of a building in Angel which could bear similarities to the Sky Tower classes except you have to climb approximately six flights of stairs to get there so everyone is too exhausted to take selfies.
Yoga is officially the best thing that’s happened to me since they invented giant crumpets. Even so, there are some major struggles because it turns out in a class that’s dedicated to being zen there are like one million very un-zen moments. Similar to giant crumpets seeming like a good idea at the time, until you remember they contain enough gluten to RUIN YOU and wear out three hot water bottles before it’s over.
I’m putting myself out on a limb here (because yoga is a part of me now) and
assuming praying that I’m not the only one who thinks these thoughts alone on my mat when I’m supposed to be perfecting child’s pose.
20 thoughts we all secretly have in yoga class.
1 You don’t mean to sing your own praises but you are seriously good at breathing through your mouth. Maybe there’s a league we could all join?
2 Whilst you do love sitting cross-legged on the floor it does feel a slight waste not to be singing All Things Bright and Beautiful at the same time.
3 What shall you have for dinner… perhaps something clean, like sushi, or bleach?
4 Alternatively if you order ahead perhaps the burger could be in your mouth within ten minutes of leaving this class.
5 Fuck. Forgot to shave your armpits. Game over.
6 Whilst you love the idea of cactus pose you can’t help but be reminded of that time in Year Eleven PE where your cool rating was directly proportionate to whose thighs were wider than their handspan and TBH you’re still extremely traumatised.
7 You love planking. You haven’t been this relaxed since you tried to wax your bikini line at home for the first time, left it on for too long and glued your underwear to your skin for two days.
8 You have a gut feeling that owning a dog might be a tad more therapeutic than pretending to be a downward facing one, six floors up, whilst all the blood rushes to your head and what feels like the tendons in the back of your knees turn inside out.
9 Why has no one farted yet? Something very un-zen about trying to perfect sphinx pose when you’re so painfully conscious of your own digestive system.
10 What did you do to deserve being this inflexible? Was it that time you stole a cola cube from Woolworths? Of course that had to come back and bite you in the ass.
11 Babe you are owning child’s pose right now. Maybe you should move to LA and start a Youtube channel.
12 Why are everyone’s leggings so much cooler than yours? You haven’t been this jealous of other people’s clothes since the jungle trousers phase of 1999.
13 You are totally gonna name your first child Yoga.
14 Not usually one to solve all of life’s problems but the world would be a much better place if we all had a bit of intravenous lavender oil. Just saying.
15 You know what the best thing in life would be? Yoga that makes you tanned at the same time. Why is that not a thing?
16 Those people who do this for a living…why don’t they have any loose hair strands getting caught in their mouth?
17 Not sure whether it’s fashionable to have VPL in sports leggings but either way you should become its ambassador.
18 Remember that time you really, really wanted a Baby G or Baby B watch from Argos and had to wait until Christmas? That was a positively minuscule problem in comparison to how much you want to be able to shove your foot into your upper thigh and perfect tree pose by next week.
19 There’s some kind of sick injustice in the world when everyone else has managed to find their namaste with one leg up against the wall and you’re still trying to work out which one of your legs is left and which one is right.
20 “Please don’t make me leave my mat. It’s so safe and warm here.”
Namastay cool babeeeeees. X