Oh my Jesus it’s basically December.
I know this because a) I’m quite literally the calendar girl at work b) my face is numb and c) I have three advent calendars. I get so excited about Christmas I have been known to eat an entire chocolate orange to calm myself down. But in spite of all the seasonal adrenaline and sugar rushes and epic carol harmonies and annual epilepsy from all the LIGHTS everywhere, I am falling victim to that all too familiar winter panic that 2015 is nearly over and I have so much still to do.
I’m not sure exactly what happened to last year’s resolutions. I’m presuming they got lost at the same time my favourite earrings went missing somewhere in a Dominos pizza and my dignity evaporated when I moved in with a boy and forgot to make an effort ever again. Either way I’m still biting my nails and I’ve got through three phones this year so I’ve lost the game.
So in the last remaining thirty something days of the year I not only need to consume as many peppermint hot chocolates as possible but I need to make some changes if I want to be an every day superstar this time next year. Time is running way too fast and I’m not where I want to be yet because I’m too busy avoiding puddles, trying to match my socks with my eyes, googling my symptoms, and looking into buying a reindeer.
This time last year a need for change came in the form of booking a flight to Australia and running away from real life. At that time, though, real life involved staging two Christmas nativities for U4s, all of whom were convinced that the donkey got shot by a shepherd. Whereas this year I am, against all odds, far away from that Bethlehem massacre. For the first time in a long time I am where I want to be. I really love my job, especially the little things like the fact I get to spend time in North and South London every day and walk past a sugar-free and gluten-free bakery in one day (that’s a joke, it’s heinous). I’m also super happy in my new home. It’s fun living with Ed because we get to fight over who loves Amy Poehler the most, talk in puns at the dinner table, and when I make the most offensive muffins of all time he still eats them.
However whilst my new routine is much healthier and less regrettable than previous life decisions I’ve made in the last year (like exaggerating my piano-playing abilities to get a job, wearing heels at a wedding, having faith in emus) I WANT MORE. So I’m giving myself some goals, way ahead of the New Year, so I can just chill and enjoy December the way it’s meant to be spent: on the sofa, in a food coma, drunk on Advocaat, winning Monopoly.
So letttt’s go! Goals for My Super Sweet (20)16:
1 Love to the max
Tell your favourite people you love them, hug them all the time (except the ones who hate being hugged), make them cakes (except the ones who can’t eat cakes), remember how lucky you are, spend time with them more and more, and treasure every day. Make sure you never say ‘love to the max’ out loud.
2 Write more
But make your next blog funnier. And be more wise and less catastrophic. Write different things to blogs because if you try to make a living out of this one you will starve.
3 Join a class
If it’s improvisation don’t wear something lame and get ready to be cool and hip. If it’s a new language don’t just expect to automatically be as sexy as Penelope Cruz.
4 Try really hard to be more “cool and hip”
This can perhaps be achieved by: getting into avocado, increasing your chilli threshold, changing your accent, trying something a bit different grammatically like forgetting all about apostrophes.
5 Wear less make up
But make sure you still wear a little bit so you don’t look like a blind mole.
6 Be healthy
For God’s sake do regular exercise. 7am runs if you’re feeling heroic. Or trampolining. Or blinking more. LITERALLY ANTHING EMMA. Keep eating muchos veggies. Remember Cowspiracy. Love all animals. Don’t trust a super noodle craving. Leave the snack table alone. Try to get on board with kale. Remember you want to be more energised and happier and healthier so don’t undo it all when Ben and Jerry’s is half price.
7 Get your head straight
And I mean head, not hair (for hair see goal 8). This needs to happen pronto babe. You’re messy. Don’t care if it’s therapy or colouring in, just do something so the toaster stops making you nervous.
8 Forget about your hair
There’s nothing you can do. Except try and get it cut more than once a year. You may like to think that all the split ends you’re shedding are keeping the birds warm this winter but really it’s just terrible.
9 Think about clothes before you buy them
Shoes that don’t look like dentist shoes or biker boots. And clothes that don’t match you with toddlers.
10 Be more confident
Don’t constantly hide behind humour or your hair. Even if a guy once told you in a club that you’d look better with your hair all over your face.
11 Do more for charity
If you believe in a cause actually do something about it. Just don’t get too attached to the rhinos because it might be too late.
12 Try to say ‘like’ less
Say ‘pandemonium’ more because it’s literally the best word.
13 Grow a pair of balls (Ed’s contribution)
Stop being so afraid. Of yourself, of what you really want, of cancer, of spiders. Embrace them all like you would the descant part of ‘Hark the herald angels sing’ and be cool.
14 Buy a dog
HAHA not really. But seriously.
15 Be grateful
Don’t forget how lucky you are. Look for happiness and love and laughter in all things and every day.
No pressure but this is the year. Stick to these bad boys (except the 7am runs. As if).