Every recent Wednesday has been spent intensely anticipating BBC1 at 8pm. I’m not generally a live television kind of person – I tend to blink too much and miss the good bits. But Great British Bake Off is my sugary sweet exception to the rule and I just can’t get enough of it. I’m someone who falls fast and hard and because of that my love affair with Bake Off gives me ALL the feels, highs and lows, and it’s definitely worth keeping my eyes open.
Because of the amount of emotional energy I devote to this hour, I risk ending up a mess, either destitute and horizontal on the sofa crying into my own failed life flans or floating on a diabetic daydream of endless pastry possibilities. So in honour of my roller coaster relationship with this show here are my typical top ten #GBBO feelings in no particular order.
1. Hunger. “Oh. I need some food now. I wish my tongue was cake.”
2. Disbelief. “HOW much butter is in a croissant? Is it possible to build myself new arteries out of pastry to resolve the problem?”
3. Despair. “I thought you knew me. Sugar-free? Fuck off. It’s over.”
4. Hunger. “If I think about it hard enough I’m pretty sure this remote control could begin to taste like syrup.”
5. Ambitious. “When I grow up I want to be Mary Berry. With all of Sue and Mel’s words.”
6. Unoriginal. “As if we needed reminding that no matter how unique you thought you were, SOMEONE will have already done it.” By “it,” you obviously mean adding rosemary.
7. Untalented. “I genuinely couldn’t even felt tip a dish sponge.”
8. Hungry. “How likely is it I can get Dominoes to deliver me a creme brulee?”
9. In love. “I’m going to marry Tamal. No Ian. No Paul. No Mary. ARGH ALL OF THEM.”
10. Delirious. “I love Great Britain…I do not love gluten-free pittas…I think Paul really gets me…I want a lion bread pet…is it next Wednesday yet?”