I am absolutely the worst person at making decisions.
Case in point: I studied English at university.
My life is one GIGANTIC dilemma.
Being allergic to choosing anything means I often alienate myself socially, at worst require medical attention after a particularly challenging supermarket experience, and have recently become famous in my local breakfast jaunt as the girl who changes her order every single time.
Getting through life when you can’t decide on a flavour of soup, which socks to wear, pancake topping, future pet, Andrex or Velvet, pick a Monopoly token, which FRIENDS character is the best, your favourite colour or whether or not you might need a drink of water is exceptionally disconcerting when at some point you actually have to make proper decisions. How am I supposed to ever be able to name my children if I can’t even decide what colour my own hair is? Especially when I cave so frequently under the pressure I end up making some of the worst choices ever, like my aforementioned degree, watching Marley and Me, or choosing a career in the arts.
Here are my top 10 life struggles all because I cannot make decisions!
- “Would you like a cup of tea?” “I don’t know…are you having one?” = life.
- “How do you like your eggs?” is more traumatic than someone asking you how you want to die.
- Choosing an outfit is like Sophie’s Choice. What if it rains? What if people laugh at me for wearing too many patterns? Is it possible to be allergic to wellies?
- Supermarkets are purgatory. Choosing a kind of pasta is harder to fathom than quantum physics and deciding on a cereal for the week actually brings you up in hives. You are banned from online shopping.
- You find ordering from a menu so mentally challenging you’d rather bring a packed lunch. You miss out on the first ten to fifteen minutes of all social occasions where ordering food is concerned because it takes all your focus and energy to just pick something.
- You have to stand at least 10m away from the menu of a coffee shop and avoid all eye contact with the staff until you’ve decided what you want, because if they try to ask you if you’re ready to order you start sweating into someone else’s latte.
- Your favourite response is, ‘I don’t know, you decide’ and if you’re in the company of another non-decision maker you have to bring in a third party or a dice. Being in the company of another non-decision maker is so frustrating you want to physically hurt them but you can’t decide how.
- Choosing a film, or a book, or a TV channel is so overwhelming you have a paper bag to help you ventilate.
- Magazine quizzes are harder than University Challenge.
- You are terrible at buying presents and you often panic and accidentally buy things like cactus wrapping paper because the rush of adrenaline makes you confuse cacti with good ideas.
I wish you all a lifetime of happy decision-making and wise choices.