Home is where the start is…?

Hello everybody!

I am HOME! This is the start of a new chapter.

This post is coming to you from the New Forest. It’s a lovely part of the world. People wear gilets for their given purpose here, not just because of Jack Wills, and donkeys are the reason we are all late.

I am refusing to return to London until I have the money to top up my Oyster card so in the meantime, I’m setting myself up a little job application station next to the aga and the labrador and some muffins, pretending I’m (a twenty-something, bankrupt, scrounging off the parents, still a bit jetlagged reincarnation of) Mary Berry.

I got back from Australia on Friday and it’s taken me this long to become a functioning human being again. I was found, on Friday, in the foetal position, on a yoga mat in my bedroom, trying to remember who I was without sleep, without ice cream, without kangaroos. It’s been a struggle.

The first flight was a dream. Unfortunately Guangzhou airport is where dreams go to die. I got landed with a window seat on the next. This resulted in me at one point waking up a man whilst straddling him, in an attempt to get to the toilet. He didn’t move. He just shifted to try and get a better view of American Hustle. I don’t like to be compared to Amy Adams or Jennifer Lawrence at the best of times, especially so recently after being mistaken for a man at Chinese customs, but I never imagined I’d be competing for a man’s attention with them so desperately, and in such a compromising position.

So you can imagine after such a traumatising 27 hours it’s taken a bit of time for me to recover.

It’s now been five days though and the urge to become a working 24 year old is impressing itself upon me more and more each day. I have Edinburgh Festival and a road trip through Europe to save for within four months not to mention the desire to feed myself and I can safely say right now that I was richer at the age of five when I traded snails in my garden.

So today is a day for productivity.

So today was a day for productivity.

I have not yet received any job offers.

But I have –

  1. Gone to the dentist. What can I say? It was less painful than the prospect of temporary work.
  2. Decided to become a vegetarian. Then cooked myself a bacon sandwich to test my willpower.
  3. Ate the bacon sandwich.
  4. Talked to my dog in different accents to see whether he recognises me.
  5. Tried to learn all conjugations for the Latin verb ‘to fail at life.’

I also experimented with the family smoothie maker.


This one had banana, strawberries, blueberries, kale, a sprinkle of turmeric to match my hair, and a splash of milk in the hope that if I improve my calcium levels the bones in my fingers will strengthen enough for me to type out a coherent and inviting personal statement. The gap at the top of the blender is actually full of procrastination, and its invisibility represents my lack of visible progress today.

Then I made a list of things I refuse to do for money this time round…that I won’t actually publicise. But what I will say is, from now on, I will stick to watching other people play the piano, and I won’t work for anyone I suspect of criminal behaviour, henceforth treading the line of illegality only for jaywalking purposes or the occasional GBH when someone confuses “slither” and “sliver.”

Contrary to appearances, I’m actually being optimistic about this. After all, I am an English graduate…oh LOL. I made a promise to myself that if I got to Heathrow safely, it meant I could do absolutely anything.

So I’m keeping acrobat and cardio-neurologist on the list.

Until next time! xxxxx

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